Will 2019 be any different?

Eight months ago, I decided to get back to writing, blogging, whatever this is… things didn’t turn out as planned though. I didn’t write as much as I wanted, but I did start… I’m grateful for that.

At the start of the year I thought I should make a sort of review: what I gained, what I lost, what I wanted and didn’t do, what I realised I want, the achievements, the failures, everything! I thought of writing the new year’s resolutions as I usually did, but I realised it won’t work. It never did… Jotting down a lengthy list of things I’d like to do is an abysmally stupid idea for someone suffering from a mental illness that makes waking up in the morning and drawing that first conscious breath a terrible chore.

So, I decided to take a different route besides writing those resolutions, because let’s be honest, it’s a habit I can’t break! The new method is this: dividing the most important of those resolutions into categories. Those are

  • Things I must do without thinking
  • Things that I like but have no energy for
  • Things that tires me emotionally, yet I know is good for me
  • Things that I must cope with, but it puts me under a shit load of emotional strain

Under the first category are basically 3 things: personal hygiene, grad-school, work (in that order)

Under the second category: writing (blogs, reviews, fiction), creative writing courses, immigration process

Under the third category: maintaining contact with friends, trying to find freelance work, therapy

Under fourth category: family and work

So, here’s what I’m hoping things will go: I’ve to work through and around the items under the first category, but the other ones could be limited a little bit more.

First writing: I’ll be maintaining only one blog, this one, and will postpone all the courses I registered in until summer holiday when I have more time.

Second immigration: I’ll continue in the process, but I’ll try to stop over thinking about it

Third contact with friends: I’ll assign two hours daily for this. That way I won’t feel guilty when I ignore messages and calls, and I’ll be available if needed

Fourth stressors: I’ll try not to lose my mind over mundane work stuff, and I’ll avoid my family, because, sadly, trying to discuss things with them leads to nothing but trouble and more problems

Fifth and finally therapy: I’ll go to therapy, twice a month as my psychiatrist suggested

That’s all! It still looks like a lot, and I don’t know how successful I’ll be in doing all that, but I’ll try, because there is no other way…

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A New Start

It has been almost 3 years since I last updated this blog. Things have changed, life has changed, I have changed, and yet, everything remains the same…

3 months ago I finally succeeded in getting professional help for my mental illness and have been diagnosed with major depression and PTSD. This happened after almost 20 years of suffering from these 2 conditions on a daily basis. 20 years of perfecting the art of hiding from myself. The art of avoidance. The art of shutting my brain down.

I cannot say I am already better; it would be a lie. I do not even know if therapy will solve anything. I am on 3 different types of antidepressants now, my therapist is homophobic, so we do not really talk about my sexuality. She said it is a disease that should be cured. My reaction was as you might imagine; I gave her a lecture on the topic, and told her I am okay with myself regarding that aspect. We agreed never to discuss it again…

So, yeah, not the best start ever.

I am returning to my blog once more because I have been told that writing is a coping mechanism. A healthy one. I have stopped writing for the past few years, because I no longer knew how. I no longer feel relief or pleasure when I write. But I am desperate enough to try anything to get better, because I cannot live like this anymore…

From now on, triggering topics such as depression, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), suicidal thoughts, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks will pop up, every once in a while, on my blog. So, I will try to tag my posts appropriately to avoid triggering anyone, on the off chance that someone will read this anyway.

Here’s to healthy coping mechanisms!

An Idea

I have been thinking of creating a group for LGBT+ people in Egypt; you know to meet, talk and interact in a safe environment. Yet, I am not sure if I should do that. Would it be really a safe environment? How am I to ensure that my identity is safe? That the identity of everyone is safe. Is it worth it?! or will we be simply harassed by others, not to mention police agents and such?

The Riddle: new anti-homophobia message from UN human rights office

Will that make any difference in Egypt?!

Human Rights - LGBTQ

76 countries still criminalize consensual same-sex relationships and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people everywhere continue to suffer violent attacks and discriminatory treatment. In this simple, high-impact video from the UN human rights office, individuals from diverse backgrounds pose questions directly to the viewer designed to expose the nature of human rights violations suffered by LGBT people around the world. The video includes cameo appearances by UN Secretary-General and High Commissioner for Human Rights Navi Pillay. The UN’s message: LGBT rights are human rights. Together we will build a world that is free and equal.

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A Bunch of Homophobic Sadists

I have just came across the disastrous news of the arrest of 14 and 70 gay men in different raids in Egypt. (http://gazzi.wordpress.com/2013/11/10/testimonies-following-the-arrest-of-14-gay-men-in-egypt/)

The point that is making me lose my mind right now; is this the most trouble the country, police and military are facing these days?! The whole country is messed up with political unrest and the lack of security and they are arresting and charging people with ‘sodomy’, ‘immoral acts’ and ‘debauchery’!! Where is the logic in that?! They are prosecuting people based on their personal choices, that, I might add, harm absolutely no one and leaving criminals running in the streets! Does that make sense to anyone?!

Sometimes I really lose all hope that gay men and women will ever enjoy any rights what so ever in this country; not even after a million years! The public mentality is flawed in itself. People are judgemental and they would tell you that everything the country is going through is the result of the ‘Wrath of God’ because we tolerate debauchery and alcohol. They will cite you Sodom and Gomorrah! Goodness; my own family believe in this!

So, what is next?! What will the future hold for us?!

Musings

The idea of gay or queer identity always struck me not only as weird but also quite limiting! Is sexuality really the main indicator and sum of our personalities? I do not believe so!

In Ancient Greece people had relationships with both men and women and it was accepted socially. Though, they did not identify with a specific behavioural pattern. They were free to act as they wish, to have sex with whomever they wanted and to love whom they loved. No stereotyping. I mean, the greatest group of warriors in Greece were the Sacred Band (300 men who were couples, all of them. I.e. 150 couples). They were not condemned by the society, highly respected and they did not have to behave in a certain way. So, what does that say about us?!

The idea of sexuality is rather new, we all know that. So, were not there any two people of the same sex who actually loved each other and remained faithful for their entire lives? I think there were. One of the example that pop into my mind is Alexander the Great and his childhood friend Hephaestion.  Whether they relationship was sexual or not, no one can deny that it was the emotional constant in Alexander’s life. I am sorry for diverging into history like that. But the truest examples of our (homosexual) culture is in Ancient cultures!

My point is: Why, in the 21st century, we constrain our selves into a word? Can we not stop labelling ourselves and simply be ourselves without putting a tag onto our lives? Will not that provide us with more freedom to act as we wish without being subjected to stereotyping? Do I have to act in certain way to be a true lover of women? Most people do not believe me when they know I am lesbian and they think I am pulling their legs! And straight people find my behaviour quite weird! And why is that?! Because I act in my own way which does not really conform to any particular side of this equation.

So, do we harm ourselves, as homosexual men and women, with labelling ourselves as such? Or is there a beneficial side here that I cannot see?