Will 2019 be any different?

Eight months ago, I decided to get back to writing, blogging, whatever this is… things didn’t turn out as planned though. I didn’t write as much as I wanted, but I did start… I’m grateful for that.

At the start of the year I thought I should make a sort of review: what I gained, what I lost, what I wanted and didn’t do, what I realised I want, the achievements, the failures, everything! I thought of writing the new year’s resolutions as I usually did, but I realised it won’t work. It never did… Jotting down a lengthy list of things I’d like to do is an abysmally stupid idea for someone suffering from a mental illness that makes waking up in the morning and drawing that first conscious breath a terrible chore.

So, I decided to take a different route besides writing those resolutions, because let’s be honest, it’s a habit I can’t break! The new method is this: dividing the most important of those resolutions into categories. Those are

  • Things I must do without thinking
  • Things that I like but have no energy for
  • Things that tires me emotionally, yet I know is good for me
  • Things that I must cope with, but it puts me under a shit load of emotional strain

Under the first category are basically 3 things: personal hygiene, grad-school, work (in that order)

Under the second category: writing (blogs, reviews, fiction), creative writing courses, immigration process

Under the third category: maintaining contact with friends, trying to find freelance work, therapy

Under fourth category: family and work

So, here’s what I’m hoping things will go: I’ve to work through and around the items under the first category, but the other ones could be limited a little bit more.

First writing: I’ll be maintaining only one blog, this one, and will postpone all the courses I registered in until summer holiday when I have more time.

Second immigration: I’ll continue in the process, but I’ll try to stop over thinking about it

Third contact with friends: I’ll assign two hours daily for this. That way I won’t feel guilty when I ignore messages and calls, and I’ll be available if needed

Fourth stressors: I’ll try not to lose my mind over mundane work stuff, and I’ll avoid my family, because, sadly, trying to discuss things with them leads to nothing but trouble and more problems

Fifth and finally therapy: I’ll go to therapy, twice a month as my psychiatrist suggested

That’s all! It still looks like a lot, and I don’t know how successful I’ll be in doing all that, but I’ll try, because there is no other way…

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A New Start

It has been almost 3 years since I last updated this blog. Things have changed, life has changed, I have changed, and yet, everything remains the same…

3 months ago I finally succeeded in getting professional help for my mental illness and have been diagnosed with major depression and PTSD. This happened after almost 20 years of suffering from these 2 conditions on a daily basis. 20 years of perfecting the art of hiding from myself. The art of avoidance. The art of shutting my brain down.

I cannot say I am already better; it would be a lie. I do not even know if therapy will solve anything. I am on 3 different types of antidepressants now, my therapist is homophobic, so we do not really talk about my sexuality. She said it is a disease that should be cured. My reaction was as you might imagine; I gave her a lecture on the topic, and told her I am okay with myself regarding that aspect. We agreed never to discuss it again…

So, yeah, not the best start ever.

I am returning to my blog once more because I have been told that writing is a coping mechanism. A healthy one. I have stopped writing for the past few years, because I no longer knew how. I no longer feel relief or pleasure when I write. But I am desperate enough to try anything to get better, because I cannot live like this anymore…

From now on, triggering topics such as depression, childhood sexual abuse (CSA), suicidal thoughts, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks will pop up, every once in a while, on my blog. So, I will try to tag my posts appropriately to avoid triggering anyone, on the off chance that someone will read this anyway.

Here’s to healthy coping mechanisms!

An Idea

I have been thinking of creating a group for LGBT+ people in Egypt; you know to meet, talk and interact in a safe environment. Yet, I am not sure if I should do that. Would it be really a safe environment? How am I to ensure that my identity is safe? That the identity of everyone is safe. Is it worth it?! or will we be simply harassed by others, not to mention police agents and such?

Fragment III

Like Sibyl, I hold time in my hands,
‘As many as sand grains in your hand, you shall live’
An immortal fire within a shroud of flesh
Shrivelling, failing.

I see the reflection of all that I shall lose
On every green leaf, on every red rose.
I smell the scent of renewal; hope
Never meant to be,
I feel the changes, I taste the acid of time;
A map written in the eyes of a child
A key buried in the belly of the sea.

© Mira Abdullah

Fragment II

In olden times
There was a singer of holy songs,
A nightingale’s voice resounding through the portals of heaven; of hell.
Words written on sand; recited by a golden dove,
Pain carved in stone; never ending, never ceasing,
A golden lyre strummed by a god.
I hear them now,
In a heartfelt song,
In a mother’s lullaby to her child,
In the silence of the universe.
I hear them
In the roaring winds outside of my window,
In the whispering streams of blood and pain.
I hear them when my soul screams your name.

© Mira Abdullah